July 2010

I am partial to beauty that needs to be searched for. Beauty that colorfully stands out in the middle of grays and grittiness and grime. Beauty that surprises those who look out for it and is made more beautiful by the surroundings it contrasts. Mexico City, a prime purveyor of beautiful-ugly, suits this partiality.

The neighborhood called Coyoacan where I stayed in Mexico City was charming and artsy, but underground is where  Mexico City really drew me in. Coyoacan is far from the center of the city and I spent much time riding the through the massive sprawl, enchanted by the cultural fishbowl that is Mexico City’s subway system.

There were a few people I talked to prior to my trip who discussed their love for Mexico City with a sparkle in their eyes, but many more who described it as a place to get in and out of as quickly as possible on your way to somewhere else. And of course you can’t escape the safety warnings and abundance of stories about crime there.

So I was surprised when I rode the Metro that more than anywhere else I’ve ever been, I felt taken care of. Patient attendants. Confusion met with help without even having to ask. People giving me their Metro maps. People insisting that I take their seats rather than stand on crowded cars.

My first trip to the Coyoacan station was with an older couple from New Zealand who I’d met at my hostel. In hindsight, they were probably not the best companions for figuring out the Metro. For them, everything was a big effing deal.

“What does SALIDA mean?” they ask. “We see it everywhere!”

“It means exit.”

“Wow, we learned a new word!” Later, at the hostel, they would tell everyone about the new word they learned earlier that day. Well-meaning people, for sure, but just a tad clueless.

I walked with them to subway station but beyond knowing how to get there, they were a stressful burden. The stress must have emanated beyond our trio and someone approached us to offer help. He told us which station to transfer at, gave us instructions for riding the Metro in general, and insisted that I keep his subway map. There were more Kiwi panic attacks later, but everything was quickly resolved by patient people who were willing to take a bit of time to lead us in the right direction. Once we found the Zocalo, I took off so I could do my own thing in a drama-free style.

It seems like entries and exits for Mexico City’s Metro have been deemed optimal locations for language learning. More than once, I was approached by groups of school kids in uniform with, “Parlez vous Francais?” or “You speak English?”

“Yes, I speak English.”

Big smiles. “You can help us with our homework!” One student whips out a cell phone video camera while another asks a stream of questions in English. I get a sense that their English doesn’t go beyond the generic questions they ask, and I am amused by the exchange. Several people I met on my trip had similar experiences with school kids in Mexico.

What intrigued me about it was that teachers were not only encouraging hands-on learning, they were also encouraging these young kids to talk to strangers. In the distrust and fear that pervades America, we send our kids off with warnings to not do exactly that. Teaching and learning are often confined to the presumptive safety and limits of a room and strangers have the potential to harm until proven otherwise. And there, in a city with a notorious reputation for crime, to these kids, strangers were potential specialists in a language who could help them get an assignment done.

I failed to get back on the subway to Coyoacan before the sweaty, sticky and crowded rush hour affair people had warned me about. Luckily, there was entertainment in the form of vendors. At each stop, a vendor entered the car selling something. My favorites were the ones with music for sale who promoted it by blaring the tunes from boom box backpacks. A sample of Led Zeppelin, Steve Miller, Pink Floyd. At the next stop, the classic rock CD salesman exited and was replaced by someone in the car behind us who sells a CD of classic Mexican tunes. I was surprised at the amount of people who bought from the vendors—CDs or snacks or little puzzle toys to keep them busy on their ride home.

At the time, I knew I’d fallen for Mexico City, but I couldn’t figure out exactly why. Later, the word came to me—humanity.  Genuine humanity. Acknowledgment did not appear to be put on by cultural expectations and was not driven by making money. It was not overt or saccharin. I wasn’t like as a tourist, I was receiving an extra special warm welcome from everyone I saw. It was simply a very real sense of people generously acknowledging the humanity in others, whether it was witnessing a woman being a wonderfully aware and attentive mother or having a businessman who’d probably worked a hard day repeatedly urge me, the obvious tourist, to take his seat.

As the train got insanely packed, I held on to my bag a little tighter. The trickles of sweat accumulating on my body became steady streams. It was gross and uncomfortable on the train, but fascinating. I know my few days in Mexico City were not enough time to fully get to know it and there’s a lot that I didn’t explore. And yes, the city has a reputation that is not completely unfounded. But I am never attached to the mainstream images places are given, that’s one reason why I travel. So I kept my eyes open in Mexico City and found an abundance of beauty in people who’ve found a way to retain the ability to see value and possibilities in the both the known and unknown people who surround them.

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This post is a month and a day late, something I intended to write on June 20th, but couldn’t because I was caught up in travel moments and in coming and going. June 20th is an anniversary that passes without fanfare, but holds much meaning for me internally and externally.

I can’t remember why I chose that day in 2007. The idea had been 9 months in the making and on that day, it must have felt right. Either that, or inspiration had come and I’d wanted to do it while I had the courage.

For some women, hair is something that is simply to be dealt with. For others, it is something that can be played with—chopped, dyed, maneuvered into a symbol of self-expression. But for most women I know, hair is a symbol of beauty. And for many black women who grow up feeling substandard next to an unattainable standard of Western beauty, hair is a huge albatross.

Written in every relaxed strand, in the glue and stitches of every weave, in the coils of every afro, in the braids of every extension, in the matting of every dreadlock of any black woman in America and many elsewhere is a story of a lack of self-acceptance… sometimes sustained, sometimes overcome, sometimes wavering between the two.

In September 2006, right before I left to volunteer in Brazil, I relaxed my hair for the last time. It was the usual—the tingle, then the burn, then the running into the shower to rinse my hair of the white cream that made my scalp feel like it was on fire.

I’d already known for over a year that I didn’t want to do it anymore. But that day, my heart and mind told me that really had to be the last time.

Brazil aided me in finalizing that decision. I was in Salvador da Bahia, a place where African origin is embraced. Where mothers fashion their daughters’ hair into elaborate arrangements of afro puffs. Where women’s afros bob as they bang drums to rhythms brought over by slaves hundreds of years ago. Where women with a darker skin tone than me lay out on the beach to get sun and get darker.

After experiencing Bahia, I knew that regardless of where I was, I would always know that places where African beauty is embraced do exist. That there were places where African appearance is not seen as something that needs to be lightened or straightened out. Getting to know one of these places helped me.

So in the wee hours of the morning on June 20, I brought the scissors up to my hair to disconnect the straightened strands from the small afro that had begun to sprout from my scalp.  Aside from my earliest years when I was too young to remember, it was the first time I’d ever seen my hair in its natural state. Imagine that.

My relaxed strands were in the trash, but still, my ideas of beauty did not go with them. My tightly coiled nappy as can be hair was not the stuff afro dreams are made of. And my hair was shorter than it had ever been. I wondered if I looked like a boy. I didn’t want to leave the house.

I know this all may sound terribly vain and superficial, but there’s no denying that even when you try to deny the magnitude of outer appearance, it will creep up on you in one way or another. It can take years for a woman of any race to walk proudly with herself as she is knowing that she encompasses and defines her own beauty. Many never get there.

Now three years after the Big Chop, the  tightly curled mass on my head has become normal to me. I have accepted it, but I have yet to fully own it. There are times when I don’t see the beauty in it in, especially when I am surrounded by long flowy hair that looks the length it is and has more options.

Wearing my hair this way means that I will be asked assumptive questions about why I don’t want long hair which will be followed by my wondering whether or not I should take the time to explain my hair story to someone who doesn’t fucking get it. It means that when I see articles for “great summer hairdos” and such, I know that they will be written without even a hint of consideration for my hair type. It means that when I see people in afro wigs, I wonder if I should take it personally that people think the style of hair I was born with is a funny costume.

But this is not a story about me hating my hair. There are days when I love that my hair grows in a circle, in the same shape of the flowers I often clip to it. I love the complexity of it and how a close examination of the twist and turns of each strand of my hair shows a bit of my personality. I love that it compliments and lets me fully display the crazy assortment of earrings I’ve picked up on my travels. I love that when I travel, people who have never seen hair like mine often show the most admiration, their minds open to different possibilities.

While I don’t always stand up strongly with my afro, I stick steadfastly to the idea that I will let my hair grow out of my scalp as it meant to and not rush to flatten it into submission. Something tells me that it will be this way until I’ve reached a point of full acceptance. And so the hair journey continues. But while the scale still wavers between self-acceptance gained and lost, three years later, the gains side is far ahead.

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“A good traveler has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving.”

- Lao Tzu

I’ve seen this quote many times before, but thanks to this trip, I finally understand it.

I left home slightly freaked out about  how most of my trip was unplanned, aside from a week and a half of it. I had an idea of where I wanted to go, but no idea of how I would get there or how many days I would spend in each place.

Many would call me spontaneous because I rarely plan big trips more than four weeks in advance. The ideas come early, but the booking and planning phase tends to start late.

But frantically researching and planning either how exactly to get around or which places I need to visit and check off my list puts me at ease. And for the most part, my schedules have been stuck to. There has always been a plan.

I think I was nervous about traveling without a plan because it is dangerous for checklists. It enables you to get caught up in wherever you are, meet enough people who make you want to stick around, and it will keep you from crossing off destinations and sites on your “must-see” list.

When I came to Oaxaca, it wasn’t overtly appealing at first. I quickly began to plan my exit, weighing suggestions from other travelers, bus times, and flight costs.

But in a few short days, the layers of Oaxaca’s reservation began to peel and the charms of the city slowly began to be revealed. So my loose plans were ditched and I decided to stay in the state of Oaxaca longer. Though I haven’t been constantly arriving in new places, each day of exploring brings me to new arrivals and realizations about the city, both good and bad.

People ask me how many days I’ve been here and I’ve forgotten. Fellow hostel mates are doubting that I will leave. But as my trip begins to wind down, I know I have to go, but I will leave with a deeper understanding of how satisfying it is to travel slowly.

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