Indian wedding

A Four Day Bengali Wedding: Day 4

by Ekua on February 23, 2011 · 12 comments in India

When the last day comes, you put on your red party dress and get dolled up one last time. You put on your chandelier earrings, your gold bangles, and clip a flower in your hair. You walk into the Oberoi Grand a final time. In addition to the work-required benevolence of the hotel employees, you notice an additional warmth in their smiles that comes with their recognition of you. You like that you’ve stayed in Kolkata long enough to be familiar to people and long enough for the city to become familiar to you.

It’s the only time you’ve arrived fashionably late during the course of the four days, and a cocktail hour has already begun. You join in and smiles and anecdotes about the previous night are exchanged while waiters come by with hors d’oeuvres and bubbly.

You feel like the days have sped by and simultaneously feel like it’s all been longer than it really has been. Like summer camp, you’ve just shared a unique experience with with a new group, an experience that only the group knows, and you’re not sure if you’ll ever see these people again. You cannot fully grasp the experience, the spectacle of it all, the history of it all. It has left an indelible impression on your senses. You agree with the consensus that weddings will never be the same again.

There’s one last Bollywood routine, this time with just the newlyweds, their coupledom now official. Loved ones who have passed on are remembered and it makes you reflect on bittersweet celebrations without loved ones you’ve lost; celebrations you’ve already had and those that are yet to come. There are toasts, and you feel warm and fuzzy when San Francisco is one of the specially mentioned cities when the newlyweds thank those who came from a distance to join the festivities. There’s one last feast and one last surprise revealed in a colorfully lit dance floor in a separate room.

You’re still a bit tired from the previous night, but you dance because it’s the last celebration. You stay till the end, until the music stops. You say your farewells to the bride and groom and you’re one of the last to leave. And you walk out of the Oberoi Grand one last time, feeling satiated and maybe a little wistful. But most of all, you’re immensely glad to have taken part in four vivid days of joyfulness.

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A Four Day Bengali Wedding: Day 3

by Ekua on February 18, 2011 · 0 comments in India

We’re Going to Ibiza?

With two days of a marathon wedding behind us, it was time for a day of letting loose; a day of taking off the fancy clothes and just being us. I’d enjoyed the shining Indian attire and the oos and ahs I got from locals as I made my way back to my guesthouse at the end of the first two nights. But as put on my regular clothes on the third day, I liked crawling back into my real self, both externally and internally.

That morning, I moved into the Fairlawn Hotel for my last two nights in Kolkata. It was by far the cleanest and most spacious of my residences in the city. The one room they had available was a triple room and they were lovely enough to only charge me for a single. I looked forward to trying all three beds out.

At the Oberoi Grand, my fellow wedding attendees were also more casual and loose. We took a lengthy drive to the Ibiza Resort in a town outside of Kolkata. When we got to there, some hopped in the pool, some lounged by it, some played frisbee. I joined some others on a paddle boating misadventure that involved ducking to avoid unexpected branches and bridges, getting stuck in lily pads, dousing our hands with antibacterial spray in hopes of avoiding acquiring dysentery after putting our hands in the water to break free from the lily pads, and of course, a lot of laughter.

The activities were followed by lunch which was followed by a much loved pastime in India: cricket. Watching the game was fascinating. To me it looked like a wacky and less rigid form of baseball with the animated pitching style, being able to hit the ball in any direction, and the way the two batters ran back and forth on a small field.

I got a taste of cricket and then decided it was best to take the first car back to Kolkata. Air pollution, incense, and perfume had been wreaking havoc on my sinuses. And after four nights in Kolkata, I still hadn’t given myself a proper chance to sleep off my jet lag. With more wedding ahead and not that much time to spend in India, I wanted to avoid getting sick. Nap time.

Dance, Dance Like it’s the Last, Last Night of Your Life

We began the night at the classy bar at the Oberoi Grand. Two men were playing cover songs in an elevator music style and it was somewhat of a sterile start to the night. But as the party moved to the room of a pair of wedding attendees, the night was clearly on its way toward a more animated outcome. For the first time, I had a chance to talk with the bride’s brother who turned out to be every bit as entertaining as his sister. He was clearly a fan of hip hop from the 90s and kept asking me about me life in “Califor-ny-ay”. With his English accent, it tickled me to no end.

Word came that the clubs were closing early and we didn’t have time to make it to any of them and we were disappointed. But then it was discovered that there would be one club open long enough to accommodate us. Moods lifted, tequila and lime were passed around, and we were off.

I have yet to go clubbing in England, but on my travels, when I’ve gone out dancing with English people, I’ve noticed a trend of having as much fun as you possibly can, as unselfconsciously as you can. With the exception of a few locals (who seemed to be consistently amused by us), our group filled the club and brought in a celebration.

They played the kind of songs my more music snobby friends (I studied classical music for quite some time) would scold me for enjoying. I’m not saying that I can get behind Justin Bieber, but I think there’s always a place for mindless dance music. There’s something about the elemental nature of such songs that can trigger our primal needs to move and express and connect. Tonight’s gonna be a good night, so just dance, everybody say “ayo” and let go, dance like it’s the last night of your life.

As our hips swayed, arms raised, feet jumped, and our voices sang, there was a sweat soaked non-verbal togetherness that permeated the room, and an individuality and freedom in our movements. The right people, environment and music had combined to turn a night of dancing into the best kind of release; a sort of spiritual elation in what some might deem to be an unlikely venue.

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A Four Day Bengali Wedding: Day 2

by Ekua on February 14, 2011 · 11 comments in India,why i travel

Before the Wedding Ceremony

When you wear a sari, you need the correct undergarments. My pre-made petticoat fit well, but the top that was tailored for me did not. After I returned from the flower market, I dashed through the markets in the Sudder Street area until I found a vendor who carried ready made tops. The only one that matched my sari happened to be a gold spandex top à la American Apparel. I bought it. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

The guy who’d sold me the sari had given me a quick tutorial on how to put it on. I attempted to do so in my hotel room and ended up wackily wrapped in cloth. I decided to take up one of the bridesmaids on her offer to help me put it on, and headed over to the Oberoi Grand to meet up with her. As she folded and draped and pinned and spun me around, I realized that there was no way I could’ve gotten it right after one sari lesson. It must take years to become an expert. With my sari on correctly, I felt regal. There was something about wearing it that made me want to stand a little taller and prouder.

They were still setting up for the wedding when we arrived at the Hyatt where the ceremony would take place, and for an hour or so, the overseas guests were the only ones there. We snuck a peek at another wedding that was in progress in another part of the hotel and mingled at the poolside bar until they told us the groom would be arriving shortly.

What followed was the longest, most elaborate wedding ceremony I’ve ever seen. To only give my descriptions of what I saw would not do it justice, so I’m meshing my memories with information from the descriptive wedding program we were given:

Bor Jatri

The bor jatri was the procession of the groom and his family and friends. The groom’s arrival was very festive; he came in on a horse and was accompanied by a brass band we’d driven by on our way to the hotel.

Bor Boron

When the bor jatri arrived at the venue, they were welcomed by the bride’s family). They blessed the groom and prayed for health, wealth, happiness, and prosperity for the couple. Refreshments were served after this.

(After this, the brother of the bride told us to check out tent where the bride was sitting with some elders. It was very quiet and serious compared to the groom’s arrival; the elders were chanting and she was repeating after them.)

The Shaajo Biye

The bride sat down on a piri (a wooden stool) and was carried over to a flower petal covered pedestal by her brother and three of her guy friends. When they reached the groom at the pedestal, they carried her around him seven times. The circles are called saat paak and they represent the seven spheres of the universe. While she was being carried, she held a large leaves in front of her face so the groom couldn’t see her.

Shubho Drishti

When the saat paak were completed, the bride and groom looked at each other for the first time in front of all of their guests. This exchange initiated them into society as a couple.

Mala Badal

After the shubho drishti, the bride was still sitting on the piri and she and groom exchanged flower garlands three times. This demonstrated acceptance of each other and making a commitment to each other.

(Flower petals shot up in the air and showered down on the bride and groom and guests during this ritual. Right after this, there were also fireworks in the distance.)

Sampradan

The bride and groom sat in their respective places at the mandop (the altar) and her uncle gave her hand away to the groom. Ancestors were remembered and blessings were sought from them. Mantras were recited and the couple’s hands were bound by a sacred thread and placed on the mangal/ghot – a brass pitcher filled with water and covered with mango leaves and a green coconut.

The Baashi Biye Jogya

The bride and groom sat in front of the sacred fire and chanted mantras after the priest. Agni, the God of Fire, was the divine witness. Offerings were made to the fire while the couple promised each other a long and happy marriage. They then circled the fire and prayed that they would achieve four goals in life:

Dharma – religious and moral duties
Artha – prosperity
Kama – love and energy
Moksha – spiritual salvation

Laai Homa

More offerings were made to the fire. Khoi (puffed rice) was placed in the bride’s hands. The groom held her hands so they could make the offering of rice into the fire together.

Sindoor Daan

The groom applied sindoor (vermillion) to the bride’s forehead and hair as a mark of their marriage. The bride’s head was then covered by a ghoomta (veil).

Saptapadi

The couple walked around the fire together seven times. It is believed that completing the circles leads to lifelong friendship for the bride and groom. Each circle represents an aspect of life’s journey and prayers were recited for each one.

Bidaai

The farewell. The bride leaves her family and begins a new life with her husband.

After the Wedding

Going back through the program and relaying the wedding rituals was as much for my own understanding as it was for my desire to share the experience. When I try to re-imagine the ceremony experiences, it almost seems surreal. There was so much distinct color and sound and centuries old rituals to take in. But even though what I saw and heard that evening was radically different from any wedding I’ve been to before, the ideas behind the rituals were not. If you rearrange and substitute and add and subtract a few things, you’d find a Western wedding ceremony in there. I think what makes attending weddings around the world so fascinating is that it gives us a joyful opportunity to celebrate our wonderful cultural differences and bask in our binding human similarities.